Somebody to Love
by Sasara Utchi
Summary: When Ichigo starts to worry about his frequently absent and injured friend, and he makes a promise to uncover the secret, he sees scenes that he never thought that he would. Bleach fanfic. Yaoi : IchigoxToshirou
1. Shattered

**Memo: The inspirations for all of my chapters and the name of this fan fic all come from songs. "Somebody To Love" - Queen and "Shattered" - Trading Yesterday. As a thank to the songs and their artists, I'm going to be including some of the lyrics of the song that's the name of each chapter. This is a new update. Author's note at the bottom of page. =D**

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**Somebody to Love**

_Chapter 1 : Shattered_

**_"Yesterday I Died,_**

**_Tomorrow's Bleeding._**

**_Fall Into Your Sunlight._**

**_The Future's Open Wide,_**

**_Beyond Blieveing._**

**_To Know Why Hope Dies._**

**_Losing What Was Found,_**

**_A World So Hollow._**

**_Suspened In A Compromise._**

**_The Silence Of This Sound Is Soon To Follow"_**

_So much has changed...what did I do so wrong? _he thought, but only for a second being brought back to the reality of his situation. "Hey! Fuck-face! Get over here and clean up this dog-shit!" she yelled to him, she seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. _Why hasn't otou-san come home yet?_ he let his mind wonder once again as he made his way to the designated spot. Unexpectedly, a fist came crashing down on his head and white spots appeared before his eyes.

"Oka-san-"

"Urusai! (Shut-up) I don't want to hear you fucking whining! Why do you always mess everything up?! Why are you alive?! Why did you have to be my child?!" She screamed and degraded him as fists rained upon his unprotected head. Even after the poor boy had passed out, the mother's assault continued leaving him with countless bruises on his skinny frame.

**MEANWHILE:**

"Konichiwa, Kurosaki-kun!" Bright, sparkling eyes greeted the orange-headed teen.

"Oh, hello Inoue," he greeted back, rather unenthusiastically, a trademark scowl plastered on his face.

"Okay students! Take your seats!" the energetic teacher chimed in. She then continued onto the attendance. There were no absences...except on. Toshirou Hitsugaya...his frequent absences were noticed by everyone, yet no one said anything...

_I wonder where he is all the time...and those bruises and marks..where do those come from? _Ichigo pondered, completely tuning out the teacher and today's lesson...

The bell rang and all students rushed out of the school, excited to be free from all of the lectures of the day.

"Hey, Ichigo, your house in this way!" the raven-haired girl known as Rukia called to the dazed teen for the third time.

"I know, I'm not stupid!...I'm just going to take a detour today," Ichigo called back to her, lost in thought.

"Oh....Okay, see you at home," She replied, regrettably. _I wish he could just see how I feel already! _she thought, becoming frustrated.

_I've had a bad feeling about this whole Toshirou thing for awhile now_ Ichigo echoed to himself as he neared Toshirou's house...

**TOSHIRO'S HOUSE**

He awoke in a dark room, trying to get his bearings sorted out and his thinking back on track...

_Oh shit! I missed school again _he realized as he kicked sore and bruised legs over the edge of the stinking bed. _I need to go back out there..._

Quietly, he made his way out to the small, trashed living room where oka-san was waiting for him. Toshirou stopped at the end of the hallway, waiting for his mother to grant him entry. After five minutes, she looked at him, a vodka bottle in one hand and a knife in the other.

"You!" she hissed, "You know what you did to me today?!" the drink woman called, her volume increasing. "Well?! Do you?!" she yelled

"N-no," the child said obediently.

She chuckled bitterly and continued on her raid. "My boss called my today and fired me! You know why? Huh? Well I'll tell you why, you worthless piece of shit! He fired me because I've been late to work to many times. And you know why I've been late?" she paused, taking a swig of vodka into her foul mouth.

Toshirou stood, frozen to the spot by some invisible force. He knew it was coming. _I made oka-san lose her job...I am worthless..._

"I've been late because of your fucken worthless ass...I hate you. You mean nothing to me! You!" she burped and stopped, looking out the window. The drunk put her attention back on the terrified aqua eyes. "You should just go and die, but not yet...no...I'll wait." She then disappeared into the kitchen, her words of venom cutting more gashes into the scared boy's heart.

The poor child fell to his knees...Toshirou trembled from head to toe, but he recovered quickly and stood up in time for his mom to come out of the kitchen.

"Go wash the dishes, fuck-face," she grumbled.

"Hai, oka-san," Toshirou replied and walked into the kitchen.

**ICHIGO**

He grabbed onto the wall behind him, trying to catch his breath... _What was that? His mother, holding a knife and vodka bottle, Toshirou on the brink of tears..What was going on there? And why did she look out the window and then disappear, coming back with nothing?...Did she see me?...No, she couldn't have...So what was that all about?_ Ichigo's thought raced, trying to make sense of the image that was burned into his mind.

Looking up, he realized that his idiotic father was flying at him foot first. Being so absorbed in his thoughts, he couldn't find the ability to stop the play attack and hit the ground, stunned.

A surprised look crossed his father's face as Ichigo picked himself up and mumbled, "Sorry, I'm just going to bed", and dragged himself to his room. He sprawled out on his bed where his thoughts attacked him with so many conclusions....

**TOSHIROU**

Walking out the now clean kitchen, Toshirou walked out to the living room to find his mother unconscious on the floor in a puddle of her own vomit. He took it upon himself to clean the room, his mother's mess, and move her safely into her room. Looking at the time, the white-haired teen walked slowly to his room and fell asleep, curled in a small ball in his bed.

**ICHIGO**

_I"m going to uncover the truth to this. Even if I have to stalk him myself _Ichigo decided quietly. _There has to be something more happening behind the scenes. I know it. It's definitely not normal to sit on a couch holding a knife threatening her child._ Thoughts of his plans to uncover the truth lulled the hot-headed adolescent into a fitful sleep.

**TOSHIROU**

Wiping the last of dreams that no longer existed, the small boy of 14 lumbered his way to the shower. Thankfully, his mother was not there to intercept him.

Turning off the reassuring hot water, Toshirou slipped into his school uniform and left the house of his nightmares.

**ICHIGO**

Rukia waited for Ichigo at the corner of the street, wondering what he was up to now. "Hey, Ichigo! We don't have all day here!" she yelled impatiently, still wound-up by his obliviousness to the way she felt.

"Ummmm...You go on ahead of me, I'll catch up to you later." Ichigo said, or rather, mumbled back to her.

Fresh anger laced itself around Rukia's frustration and she stomped off towards school, trying to fight the stinging in her eyes.

After waiting a couple more minutes, Ichigo finally left, hoping to run into Toshirou on his way.

**TOSHIROU**

_Finally, a day where I get to go to school, in peace. Maybe today will be a good day..._ BOOM! Something hard blocked Toshirou from taking another step and he landed on the ground. Strong arms lifted him gently back to his feet and he heard a voice call, "Are you okay Toshirou?"

**TOSHIROU**

Recognition flashed across his face, "Ichigo..." _Why am I lost for words over this idiot? He can't even pay attention to where he's walking _he thought quickly to himself, fuming. "Uhh...y-yes of course, I'm f-fine," the boy stuttered.

"That's good," Ichigo replied, but there was some hidden meaning to his voice. "Hey, you wanna walk with me, Toshirou?"

"Sure, I don't mind," he replied without thinking. _Why is he here? Isn't he normally to school by the time that I get here? What was with the tone he used before?_ Toshirou tried to figure it out, only confusing himself more.

The only sound exchanged between the two boys the entire way to school was the shuffling of feet and crunching of snow.

_He looked like he had so much to say, but it looks like I was wrong_ Toshirou thought while taking his seat. _Although he does look more gloomy than normal. _

**ICHIGO**

_Why couldn't I say it? Why couldn't I ask about the scene that I saw yesterday? I have to figure this out, I promised myself that. Doesn't that start with asking him questions about what I saw? _he felt like punching his desk suddenly, but refrained. _The last thing I want is for everyone to be looking at me. What am I going to do? I feel like some kind of stupid detective...and Toshirou doesn't have any bruises that I can see, but why is he so light? He was never that skinny before was he?...It doesn't look like he's eating, either. He looks tired, and worn out, like he's hanging by a string...I have to do something about it._ Ichigo's resolution was absolute this time, he would do whatever it took to uncover Toshirou's secret.

**TOSHIROU**

Toshirou thought about what had happened between him and Ichigo on the way to school for the entire school day. Even though he had planned to actually listen to what the teacher had to say, since he didn't get to do that very often, but there was no way that he was going to be able to concentrate on today's lesson. All too soon, the end of the day bell rang and regretfully, Toshirou gathered his things and made his way.

Surprisingly he found himself instep with his orange headed friend. Not wanting to completely regret this day, the normally anti-social boy started and kept a conversation going all the way to Ichigo's house, without bringing up all the questions that he had about this morning.

**ICHIGO**

_That was the best conversation that I've had in a long time, but it all seems so surreal, like tomorrow I'm going to find out he never existed...._thoughts attacked Ichigo's mind becoming increasingly negative. Finally, he decided to go to Toshirou's house, just to make sure that everything was alright.

There was nothing in this world that could've prepared him for what he saw happening in the living room of his white-haired friend's house.

Blood, there was blood, Toshirou's blood, splattered on the window and he was on the floor....dying. Without pausing to think, Ichigo bursted into the house to find the mother smiling ver her child's limp body.

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**Author's note : I am currently working on chapter 2, writing a bit each night, but with school starting up agian after my long month off, it's hard to find the time anymore. Don't fret, I am nearly done, I have 5 or 6 pages written so far. =D**


	2. Just Another Star

Okay, so here's chapter two! I'm sorry that I took so long to get it on here, school started back up at an inconvenient time. Anyway I hope that you enjoy it! Oh, and if any of you viewers/readers have any ideas for the story, I will gladly consider them and fit them in, not that I don't already have enough ideas, but suggestions are always nice =D.

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_Chapter 2 : Just Another Star_

"_**Can you see the life behind these eyes?**_

_**You're just another start that's burned out too quickly,**_

_**But I still see you...shining!**_

_**I'm just another guy that's fucked up in his head,**_

_**But you stand by me.**_

_**This is what I can see through my eyes, **_

_**Black is the color of your sunshine."**_

**ICHIGO**

Mechanically, she turned her head to look at him. Saying nothing, she ran at Ichigo, he blade extended towards his chest**; **however, the adrenaline made Ichigo's reactions two time faster than the mother's. As she neared him, Ichigo naturally stuck out his arm and grabbed her's stopping the attack in the blink of an eye. Then he simply disarmed her and cooly pulled out his cell phone from his pocket and dialed 9-1-1. After placing his need of an ambulance for Toshirou and a police car for his mother, he finally looked up at the abusive mother.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Ichigo hissed, his cool and collected face now taken over by a stunningly strong bloodlust.

Blank eyes met his. "It's no business what I do with my child. Why don't you just butt out and let me take care of him myself?" By the time she finished talking, Ichigo was kneeling next to Toshirou's bloody body, trying to stop the bleeding with a cloth. "What are you doing? He's dead, can't you see that? D-E-A-D!" she said in a lifeless tone.

"No, he isn't. He's still breathing." Ichigo's voice became strained with unshed tears as sirens came into hearing range.

Even after what she had done, the mother still showed no remorse for what she had done. Instead, she kept insisting on giving up on Toshirou's life. "Why don't you just give up, he's going to die anyway," she tried to convince Ichigo. Abruptly, there was a lamp flying at her head.

"Shut up! You don't know what the fuck you're talking about! Toshirou's going to live through this!" An ambulance and police car pulled into the driveway and automatically, things became busy.

A police man came into the room and arrested Toshirou's mother and right behind him was a stretcher being pushed by four EMT's through the last, the mother was brought to the cruiser, to go to jail, _where she belongs_Ichigo thought. Carefully, Toshirou's body was hoisted onto the stretcher and the paramedics instantly started hooking up wires and machines; and gave him shots, along with an IV.

Five minutes later, both the ambulance and cruiser were gone and Ichigo was sluggishly walking home. The police man didn't have Ichigo go and make a statement yet because he thought it best to leave him alone for now. Even after all that had happened, Ichigo wasn't able to hold onto a thought. They were scarce and fleeting. As soon as Ichigo had hold on to one and tried to build on it, it would slip away. In a zombie-like fashion, Ichigo dragged his feet into his house, only to be knocked to the ground.

Without bothering to say anything or look at his father, Ichigo walked into his room. As he walked in, he noticed Rukia sitting on his bed. "Ichigo, I-I need you to know something," she started looking quickly at his eyes than away. "I"m in love with you!" the small girl yelled and ran-hugged Ichigo.

Awoken from his zombie-like state, Ichigo softly pushed Rukia away and whispered, "I'm sorry, I can't return you feelings." Rukia felt like razor blades had been run through her heart. Automatic tears ran down her face and she retreated out the window.

_Maybe I shouldn't have said that to her. But, if I hadn't said that, than what? I couldn't lie to her, and I definitely can't tell her who it is that I love_. Ichigo thought as he made his way to the shower. After putting on a fresh set of clothes, Ichigo made his way out the front door and to the hospital.

At the hospital, Ichigo found out that Toshirou was still in emergency surgery and he decided to wait for it to be over. Two hours later, a doctor came out of the surgery room and informed him that they had managed to stabilize Toshirou, but that he was still in critical condition. "Can I see him?" Ichigo asked timidly and the doctor nodded.

As the doctor led Ichigo to his friend's room, he asked, "Does Toshirou-kun have any family that you know of?"

Ichigo answered honestly saying, "Toshirou never talked about his family, unless he was asked, and even then he didn't say much." The doctor gave him a slightly worried looked and then walked away to talk to a nurse.

Sitting next to Toshirou with all the machines and blood hooked up to him wasn't helping Ichigo much. Soon, tears were finding their way down his face. _Why couldn't I stop it before this? Why didn't I ask him? Why do I like him this way? Why is my head so fucked up?_ Ichigo mentally beat himself up until the tears on his face finally dried up and he was able to talk without his voice cracking. _Well, I can't change what's already been decided. Plus, I shouldn't be pitying myself, Toshirou's the one in trouble now. _Ichigo concluded and with that, he stood up, said bye to Toshirou and headed home.

At home, everyone was unusually reticent. When he opened the door, Yuzu and Karin looked up at him with a surprised and worried look. _My eyes must still be red_ Ichigo surmised. Then Karin finally spoke up, "How's Toshirou-kun doing?" Being reminded so soon of the boy made Ichigo's heart jump uncomfortably.

"He's....ummm...stabilized for the moment, but he's still in the ICU," Ichigo replied mechanically, not really feeling like talking all that much. "I'm going to go to bed," and with that, he excused himself to the cover of his room.

While he was in his room, another thought hit Ichigo, _where was Toshirou going to stay after he gets out of the hospital? I can't let him be sent to an orphanage or foster home...but where then?_ Ichigo wondered, letting himself some up with all the possibilities. He ruled out his own house and there was no way that Toshirou would be able to stay with any of his friends. However, there was one friend that he may be able to stat with. _I guess I'll find out tomorrow._

THE NEXT DAY - ICHIGO

Since there was no school, Ichigo decided to go and visit Toshirou around noon.

TOSHIROU

Beep...beep...beep...beep. _What is that sound? Is this heaven or hell? Am I...alive?_ Toshirou's thoughts began to race as he struggled to open his eyes. _What happened to me?_ Finally, Toshirou's eyes flickered open to find lots of white and machines. _Nope, I'm definitely not dead...and that smell...Yup...definitely a hospital._

Just then the door to his room opened and a nurse slipped in. She began writing rapidly on a paper and just before she left she announced, "You have a visitor," and closed the door.

Only five seconds later, he found himself starting into familiar chocolate eyes. Slowly, Ichigo eased himself across the floor to the chair next to Toshirou's bed. Awkwardly, Ichigo asked, "How are you feeling?" Toshirou felt like he had just been tasered. No one had ever asked him that question with so much feeling in their voice. It was as good as saying, "I love you," for the abused boy.

After recuperating his thoughts, Toshirou replied, "I'm feeling a lot better...Thank you, Ichigo."

Surprise immediately came across Ichigo's face, "Thank...you? What do you mean?"

"You're the one that saved me though...I heard you talking to oka-san...Telling her that I would live...If it weren't for that I've probably be dead by now...I wouldn't have tried to live again." The white-haired teen than looked up from his blanket innocently, getting ready to scrutinize Ichigo's face. _What is this feeling?_ Toshirou thought as he looked into Ichigo's warm smile.

"I'm glad that I was able to get you out of there, but you really have to thank my intuition. You see, after you left, I had this feeling that the next day, I was going to find out you never existed, so I followed you home,: the vibrant hair-colored teen admitted, smiling still. It was a smile so sincere that it knocked the breath out of Toshirou. It was nothing like any other smile he had ever seen in his life.

The say like that for a while, in silence, enjoying each other's company. It wasn't an awkward at all, it felt more like a friendly or maybe even loving atmosphere. To soon Ichigo stood up and announced, "I have business to take care of, I'll be back later to see you again before visiting hours are over, okay?" Toshirou nodded and...smiled. Unexpectedly, Ichigo leaned over the small boy's head, lightly brushed his lips on the boys' forehead and left. Even five minutes later, Toshirou was still blushing from the encounter, causing the nurse to come into his room and check his heart, making sure that everything else was fine as well. _I think that I might...might be..in love..._

**ICHIGO**

Ichigo knocked on the wooden door of the familiar house. Just the person he was looking to talk to happened to open the door. "You need to talk with me, Kurosaki?"

"Yea, I have a favor to ask of you, Urahara-san," he agreed with the shopkeeper.

After sitting down in a private room and taking a sip of tea, he explained all that had happened, and what his favor to Kisuke was.

"That would explain why Rukia has been at Orihime-san's house," he stared, "Okay..I see...so you don't want Toshirou-kun to end up in a foster home. But why is that? You barely know him." Kisuke questioned peeking from under his hat at Ichigo, who was blushing ferociously. Then, a smile appeared on the devious man's face and he said, "I see, I see," amusement apparent in his voice. "Well, since Toshirou-kun has stated here before and he isn't a problem at all, I'll see what I can do!" Jumping to his feet, he called and started asking about Toshirou. Ichigo wanted to stay and listen to was going to happen, but he had to go and see Toshirou again.

**TOSHIROU**

_I can't believe it...An orphanage...I don't want to be an orphan...I don't want to leave Ichigo..._ Silent tears feel down the boy's perfect face. _I can't believe that this is happening. I want Ichigo to come here and tell me that everything is going to be okay._

Almost as if the answer his thoughts, Ichigo walked into his room saying, "Sorry, I had a bit of trouble finding you, I didn't realize that you had been moved to a regular room." Now looking at Toshirou's face, Ichigo asked, "Toshirou, what's wrong?"

"I-I...t-they said t-that I-I have to go t-to an or-orphanage," he cried, doubling over. Strong, long arms enveloped him into a gentle hug.

"Shhhhh...You don't need to worry. I have a friend of mine trying to do something about that right now." Ichigo assured the boy. Seeing the apparent confusion, Ichigo clarified, "Urahara-san agreed to adopt you before they can send you to an orphan." Toshirou wiped away the tears on his face and smiled. _I won't have to leave! But I don't want to be a hindrance._

Frowning, Toshirou said, "I don't want to be a problem."

Ichigo immediately replied, "Urahara-san said that you aren't a problem at all."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely." Chocolate eyes met turquoise ones. Toshirou couldn't stop himself from smiling. _I know that Urahara-san won't hurt me, he's a good person, albeit perverted. Plus, I get to stay in the same town as Ichigo! _"So how long is it until you get out of here?" Ichigo said, interrupting his thoughts.

"The nurse said, as the most, three more days. Speak of the devil.." he finished as the nurse walked in, effectively ending their conversation, saying that visiting hours were over. Ichigo stood up quiet gracefully, Toshirou noted and said repeated his last good-bye, leaving a blush on Toshirou's face. Before he left, he turned around and added smiling, "Oh, and all of you things are already at Urahara-san's." Toshirou smiled back and the door closed. _I really think that I'll be okay if I'm with him. But I can't show how messed up I really am, at least, not yet._


	3. Everybody Hurts

**Hi everyone! I know that it's been practically forever since I have posted on this story; however, I was looking through my old e-mail this morning and I noticed that people are still favoring this story. I can't say this didn't surprise me, I don't think I've made any changes to this story in at least a year, most likely more. So, considering this, I have taken it upon myself to continue this story, as I would also like to see where it leads me and where it ends. I will be making some changes to the make-up of the story and the way that it has been set up. I felt that my previous method was too choppy for my liking and if any of you have a suggestion on how I can make it better from here, feel free to comment! Thank you so much for hanging in there as I have digressed from my work! Enjoy!**

**Also, I would like to give credit to REM for the lyrics from their long "Everybody Hurts"**

Everybody Hurts

"_When the day is long and the night_

_The night is yours alone_

_When you're sure you've had enough_

_Of this life, well hang on  
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries_

_And everybody hurts sometimes  
Sometimes everything is wrong_

_Now it's time to sing along_

_When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)_

_If you feel like letting go (Hold on)_

_When you think you've had too much_

_Of this life, well hang on  
'Cause everybody hurts take comfort in your friends"_

*CRASH* Toshiro let out a long sigh as he watched all of the shop keepers haphazardly piled brooms tumble to the ground. _I haven't even made it to the main room and I've already messed _though the frightened boy. _I wonder what my punishment will be_. Flashes of what his mother would have done took over his thoughts. Toshiro knew that somewhere Urahara-san was trying desperately to catch his attention; however, the ghosts of his past were on a rampage, filling his tortured mind to the brim with memory upon memory of his previous punishments. _Maybe I did deserve them, I'm such a nuisance_. When the white haired boy's mind finally resurfaced, he saw that the brooms were already back in their precarious position. He slowly shifted his gaze upward, expecting to see the raised hand of the shop keeper looming above him, but, that wasn't so. Toshiro gazed in wonder as he stared at the smiling face that was looking at him. Disregarding the occurrence that just took place, Urahara-san said "Are you ready to see your room Toshiro-kun?"

Still amazed by the shop keeper's reaction to his blunder, Toshiro could only bring himself to perform a short nod. More excited than a kid in a candy shop the spunky blond haired man ran up to the door of the room and with a "Dun da dun!" threw open the door to reveal where Toshiro would be staying from now on. Almost afraid of what he was going to see, Toshiro slowly looked from the beaming face in front of him to the...no his room. The room was another surprise, there was a freshly made bed, a dresser, in which his clothes had already been folded and put away. A little bit to the right there was a closet, and a TV, which came with a TV stand, a DVD player and there were DVD's that were already stacked next to it. For a moment, the white haired boy only stood in a complete awe, once again his thoughts shifted to darker times as he recalled the room that was once his. The stinking sheets that had become tattered and resided on a bed much older than he cared to think of, and without a place to put his clothes or any other belongings and definitely without a TV.

_This…This can't be true...can it?_

Urahara-san studied the small boy closely. _He seems very surprised by just about everything that has happened so far. Maybe he's just not used to me yet. Wait! Who am I kidding? How could he be used to me? I don't wish to startle him for no reason, but I think there may be no other way to make him believe that I'm not like the adults he has lived with throughout his life._ _Bah! Only Ichigo would get me into a predicament like this. I would love to help the boy but…do I have my work cut out for me or what_ While pondering this rather difficult situation and without revealing any of his conflicting thoughts to the boy, the shop keeper introduced all the aspects of the room and informed the Toshiro that this was now his house as well and he had permission to do whatever he pleased, as long as it didn't get him into to too much trouble.

For the time being, Urahara-can said he was going to decide what dinner was going to consist of while he let the obviously troubled teen explore his new home.

Toshiro, almost mechanically walked to his bed and sat down carefully, his head swimming with thoughts and questions that he wasn't able to find the answers to. _How has this come to be? I don't want to be a burden on Urahara-san, but how am I anything but while I take up one of his rooms and eat his food. I think I've made a grave mistake. Maybe I should have left; maybe I wouldn't have been such a bother if I went to an orphanage. _As these dark thoughts pervaded his mind, there was a sudden shift in everything when an image flickered within his mind's eye, a certain image of a boy that was donned with wildly orange locks and dark and understanding eyes. _Ichigo. I wonder what he thinks of me. He is the one that saved my life, and that must say something more for everyone else who has come into my life, but still…how much does he really care for me? We're both boys, there's no way that he can feel for me the way that I think…I do think I care for him. But then, what do I know? I have not the first clue as to what love his and I can't hope so much for the chance that Ichigo could feel for me in the slightest. _

A heavy sigh escaped Toshiro's lips as these immensely heavy thoughts weight down his spirits. He knew that he should be happy that all the good fortune that had befallen him in the past couple days when it did _otherwise I wouldn't be here at all and of all things I should at least be happy for my life, shouldn't I?_

Letting his confused mind wander, Toshiro contemplated the last three days that he spent in the hospital. Ichigo had visited a lot, but as his classmates heard of what had transpired, they also filed in, expressing their condolences and assuring him that if there was anything that he needed, they would help him. _Before everything happened, none of them cared about me. They didn't talk to me or try to figure out beforehand. Maybe that's just because I am worthless, they were faking it, most of their offers didn't even reach their eyes, they were just trying to make up for what they thought they needed to. But what about Ichigo then? He talked to me before all of this happened, and he has always seemed genuinely concerned, but I don't know if that's enough evidence to say that he could actually have feelings. If he has the ability to make me happy, then why is it that the thought also makes me so sad? No, he can't, not for me, not only am I a boy, but I am worthless. I will never know what love is because no one can love me. Oka-san was right, maybe I'm just not worthy of this life._

Tears threatened to overflow, to make a river of sorrow upon his cheeks and drip from his chin, but he wouldn't let them. Taking a deep breath, Toshiro summoned every fiber of his being to try and be grateful for everything that had been given to him in such a short amount of time, but the whole in his heart wouldn't leave him in peace.

Realizing that the shop keeper had been calling to him for quite some time while Toshiro had been deep within his revere, he lifted himself off the bed and made his way to the dining room where Tessai-san, Ururu-kun and Jinta-kun where waiting for him. He joined them, trying to appear as normal as possible, but despite the resolution that he had given himself, he felt as if he were slowly breaking to pieces, not knowing what the remedy to the ailment that affected him might be.

.

Returning home, Ichigo knew that he would have some explaining to do. As usual, his father's foot was flying at him as soon as the door started to inch forward. Gracefully ducking, his father went stumbling into the dining table as Ichigo walked by without even stopping a moment to look at him or yell at him for his stupidity.

_There is definitely something fishy going on in his mind. Normally he spares enough time to yell at me before tramping up the stairs. This brooding he's been doing lately is pretty characteristic, but to this level…hmmm…there must be something up with him. I know that Toshiro-kun's condition has taken quiet a toll on him, but he's been released and even has a place to stay and yet his mood hasn't shifted a bit. _Ichigo's father came up with the resolution to get to the bottom of his son's behavior.

As he slowly made his way to the top of the stairs, Ichigo thought. _What am I going to say to Rukia? I have to tell her something, I just don't know what. The way I brushed her off before, I see how wrong that was now, but I have no clue just how I am supposed to fix this without tell her that I'm gay or I have feelings for another girl. No…maybe I can just tell her that I value her friendship too much to risk it. That is true, in a way. Either way, I have to find a way to tell her the truth, whether it be part or all of it. _Fixing a solution in his mind, Ichigo knocked and entered Rukia's room, with fear, for he knew of the dangers of Rukia's anger.

A shoe came flying out of the door as Ichigo poked his head in, "Go away!" and angry voice projected.

Sighing, and knowing it was to be expected, Ichigo still pushed his way into the room while saying, "Rukia, I need to talk with you."

Not relenting, Rukia picked up the other shoe and threw it like a missile at his orange head as if it were a target. "I have no reason to talk to you, I told you what I needed to and you swatted me aside as if I had told you the sky were purple. I see how much I mean to you. I mean nothing, am I right? All this time that we've spent together and you still can't see me. You're so oblivious; I thought that I made it perfectly clear how I felt before I even said it aloud. I regret that moment; I'm nothing but a fool to think that you could see past your obnoxiously orange colored head."

"Rukia" Ichigo said in the most soothing voice he could conjure at the current moment, "You are nobody's fool, if anyone is a fool it is me, for not seeing how you plainly felt, looking back now, I can see the signs. I was so preoccupied with trying to figure out what was going on with Toshiro that I failed to see anything else, but I guess I should have known before then. Yes, I should have. You have every right to be mad at me and not be able to forgive me. I don't see any other way to make you understand why I wasn't able to see how you felt then to tell you the truth then.

"Rukia, do you think that you will be able to keep what I say in secrecy, without mentioning it to another soul until I deem it fit. I value your friendship greatly Rukia and I do not wish for this quarrel to come between us."

Then, Ichigo waited patiently while Rukia considered what he had said. After a couple minutes of contemplation she sighed, realizing that although he may not love her, she couldn't just stop caring for him and promised, "Yes, Ichigo, I will not tell anyone else what you say you are about to tell me. I value your friendship as well and above all, I rather keep that then not have you in my life at all."

Nodding, Ichigo stepped into the room and closed the door softly before placing himself of the edge of Rukia's bed. "I'm not really sure where to start. I guess at the beginning is good a place as any. Well, I guess it started at the beginning of this year. When I was going to school, I started noticing him. I started noticing Toshiro." An audible gasp escaped Rukia's lips, but other than that she remained quiet, taking that as a sign, Ichigo continued. "I'm not really sure what is was, maybe he way he carried himself, like he could fall apart at any moment but despite his obvious challenges, whenever I tried talking to him, he would act as if nothing at all was wrong. I saw the bruises that covered his body nearly all the time, and I asked him about them often actually, he said that he was clumsy. I knew that wasn't true. But that isn't the reason that I noticed Toshiro, it was part of the reason, but it wasn't all of it. In spite of everything that I could see, there was a innocence about him, something in the way he smiled that made me want to protect him.

"Since I knew that something was fundamentally wrong with Toshiro, I took it upon myself to follow him. Which is when I saw his mother holding a knife in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other and threatening his life while tears formed in his eyes. I planned on asking him about it, asking him what happened, if she was the reason he had injuries all over his body, but I couldn't bring myself to. I see now that I should have, maybe I could have stopped what happened to him because I didn't find out sooner, but I can't change that now.

"I don't know Rukia, it's so confusing, I shouldn't feel this way about another boy, but I do, and I won't change that, not so long as I want to protect him from anything and everything that could harm him ever again. I guess that's probably the reason that I didn't notice the way that you felt. I'm gay. Wow. It sounds weird to say it out loud, but that's what I am, aren't I?"

Ichigo waited and looked at Rukia expectantly, waiting for her response. _What should I tell him? _She thought frantically. _I can't chance upsetting him more than he already is or asking him if he thinks that Toshiro could possibly feel the same way about him. I definitely can't tell him that it makes me love him even more that he's able to accept who he is so freely. He must be worried about what I think of him._ "Ichigo, no matter who you are or who you love, I will still accept you. You're my best friend and you're orientation isn't going to change that. I guess on the matter of Toshiro, all you can really do is spend time with him and see how things go. He'll need support anyway after going through the ordeal that he has so far. He needs you to be there for him"

For the first time in days, Ichigo smiled. "Thank you, Rukia. I'm glad that we got this sorted out and that I finally have someone to tell all of this to. I think it was starting to weigh down on me" and with that Ichigo took his exit while pondering what the next step he should take will be.

.

**Well, I'm hoping that so far the new part of this story has turned out as I hoped and that it was enjoyable. I believe that with ideas that are flowing around in my head, it will be done soon. I do not plan to leave this story again until it is complete. I realize that the story is quiet morbid and I hope that does not offend anyone who has read it and of course, if you don't like yaoi, than don't even start reading. To those who have suggestions, as always, please feel free to leave them! If they fit in with the story, I will most definitely incorporate them! Thank you to all my readers!**

**Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it's crazy that after four years I have some back and worked on this piece once again. I didn't realize that it had been so long, but I actually want to thank two of my reviews. One is one I received when I first began writing this story, the rather long one that gave me a lot of good critique on my writing style. I thank you very much and actually, crazy moment again. When I began writing again, I didn't look at my reviews and remembered what you had said. I hope you get to read again! And I also want to thank my latest review because that was the one that I saw in my e-mail and it was actually the reason that this story got restarted. Now that I think back, remember how frustrating it was when someone would start a story that I liked but never finished it. Which is why I WILL finish this story! Thank you so much! YOU that commented on this story are the reason that I have come back to it!**

**P.S. I am sorry that I was mean to Rukia, I never meant to be, well in a way I did, but as you can see, I have also made her a very important part of this story by being Ichigo's confidant :)**


	4. Breathe Me

**Okay everyone! I have updated much sooner than ever before! Please review, I love any and all feedback that is constructive. I hope that some who have read this story before have returned to continue on this journey! So, without further ado, let's see what happens next. Shall we?**

**Oh! And a disclaimer: I own none of these characters, those rights belong to the anime Bleach, I only own what actions they do during the course of my story ;) One more disclaimer to my lyrics courtesy of Sia's "Breathe Me".**

Breathe Me

"_Help, I have done it again._

_I have been here many times before_

_Hurt myself again today_

_And the worst part is there's no one else to blame_

…

_Ouch, I have lost myself again_

…

_Yet I think that I might break_

_Lost, myself again and I feel unsafe_

_Be my friend_

_Hold me_

_Wrap me_

_Unfold me_

_I am small_

_And needy_

_Warm me up_

_And breathe me"_

Waking from a fitful sleep, Toshiro laid with his eyes closed and wondered about what was going to happen next. _Am I just going to go back to school? Pretend that my life has just started...maybe. But no, that's no possible, how can I forget everything? Even if the past hurts, it's still my past and that I can never change._

"Ugh" Without realizing it, the boy let the exasperated sound escape. Mentally chastening himself, he turned on his side and desperately fought with himself to attempt to create a solution to his newly found predicament. When no solution presented itself and Toshiro's thoughts waged an all-out war against each other as if he truly did possess an angel on one shoulder and a devil upon the other, the thought _this is hopeless._

On one side, Toshiro was deeply grateful for everybody who had come to his aid but on the other, he felt as if there was no way that anyone could truly care about him that much. _But then there's Ichigo. He's always seemed to care, but maybe that's just what I want to believe. I wish I could talk to him, I want to tell him everything, but then what would he think of me? I wonder when he will come to see me again, or maybe he won't now that I've been released from the hospital._

_They're doing it out of pity, all of them. Soon, I will be forgotten again. At least with oka-san I was never forgotten. No, don't think like that. _ Even as Toshiro told himself that those types of thoughts weren't worth his time, still they haunted him, staying at the far edges of his mind and infiltrating whenever he let his guard down.

While in the middle of this mental war, the white haired boy distantly heard the shop keeper calling him to breakfast. When he failed to answer, Urahara-san opened his door and asked him again Toshiro simply said "I'm not hungry." He heard his door close and the footsteps of the shop keeper's shoes as he walked away. _There I go again, pushing people away. If only I could have Ichigo. He seemed to really care; I wish I could tell how he really felt already._

Confused as his thoughts were, they soon turned morbid and Toshiro's eyes raked the room, trying to find anything he could use to ease his pain. The pain that emanated from within him seemed to be overflowing and he felt that he needed a physical outlet. Overwhelmed, Toshiro rose from his bed and stumbled as if drunk to the edge of the dresser. Although the edge was not as sharp as the object the boy wanted, he made due and pushed his thin wrist as hard as possible against edge. Hesitating for a moment, Toshiro observed how his wrist looked pressed against the dresser. Deciding it was what he needed to do; all the muscles within his small arm tightened and dragged his arm across the dresser until blood was drawn. He studied the crimson line as drops feel from his pale skin on to the top of the dresser.

Just a room over, Urahara-san sat in front of his half eaten breakfast with the rest of the group, minus Toshiro. A trouble look crossed his face as he thought about the tone of voice with which the white haired boy had used when saying that he didn't want to eat. _I'm afraid that the damage may be worse than I once thought. That damn lazy orange haired tramp better get his ass over here. Maybe I will fetch him. No, he cares about Toshiro, he'll definitely come, but maybe it wasn't a good idea to tell him to stay away for a day. I hope whatever has been done can be undone._

.

Shooting out of bed, Ichigo jumped into a fresh pair of clothes as fast as possible. Urahara-san had told him to stay away the first day, he hadn't agreed with his idea, but he listened anyway. _I wonder with everything that Toshiro has gone through; it may be possible that he thinks I'm ignoring him. That's the last thing I want to happen. _Running as fast as possible without being buffeted by his father's flying body parts and his Karen, who was trying to make her way from one end of the living room to the other, Ichigo dashed for the door. Before he could open the door, he looked up to see his father standing in front of him, an unreadable look upon his face.

_How do I tell him what I want to without letting him know that I heard his conversation with Rukia last night?_ Clearing his throat loudly and staring into his son's surprised chocolate brown eyes, the father formed a sentence to let his son know how he felt. "Umm…Ichigo. I want you to know that no matter what I SUPPORT YOU!" As soon as he belted out his message, Ichigo's father ran out the back door of the house without taking a second glance over his shoulder.

Beyond confused, Ichigo hesitantly stepped out of the threshold of his house. _I wonder what that was about_. Brushing aside the meeting for the time being, Ichigo rushed down the street in the direction of Urahara-san's shop.

.

_Oh my, that did not go as planned. I really have to rework the way I talk when I don't know what to say. _Ichigo's father was just as surprised about his actions as Ichigo, but he felt overall better that he had managed to say something instead of remaining quiet on the subject. Slightly proud of himself, he returned to the kitchen and continued his work.

.

He stood in front of the door, hand posed to knock, but he didn't move. Just as he made the decision that this is what he needed to do, differing to Rukia's advice from the previous night, the door opened of its own accord. Behind it stood the blond haired man with whom he had trusted Toshiro. "Are you coming in or would you rather gape at the door all day?"

Ichigo stepped in while quietly asking, "Where is he?" Silently, the shop keeper point to the closed door of Toshiro's room, Ichigo walked towards it as if a bungee cord were attached to his waist, the closer he came to the door the harder he found it to get closer. _When did this change occur? When he was at the hospital I had no problem going there, I practically bounded into the room, but now, something's different, but I can't really figure out what._

*Knock knock* Snapping his head from the crimson liquid that stained his wrist and the top of the dresser, Toshiro automatically called "Just a moment." Flustered, he desperately searched for anything that he could use to cover not only his wrist but clean the mess he managed to create. Picking up a dark colored shirt, he hastily wiped up the liquid and threw the shirt, knocking over the lamp he put next to his bed for reading last night. Cursing, Toshiro returned to his closet, trying desperately to find a long sleeved shirt. He pulled on a black sweater and turned to open his door, the person that stood in front of him was not at all what he was expecting. The boy's mouth dropped into a small "o" as he looked at the tousled orange hair and large chocolate eyes that faced him. An unfamiliar feeling engulfed his thoughts and left him momentarily paralyzed, not knowing where to go from here.

As aqua eyes met his, he knew there was something that was completely wrong with the sight in front of him. The boy looked almost as if he was scared, donned in a heavy black sweater in the middle of spring. A lamp was knocked over and a dark shirt had been carelessly thrown across the room. _I need to think of something to say! _Ichigo wracked his brain as he shifted his attention once again to the boy that stood in front of him. "Hey." It sounded awkward and forced. _Damn it. I'm going to ruin everything with one stupid word. _Quickly redeeming himself, Ichigo said, "Can I come in?"

"Yeah of course" the timid boy answered, Ichigo cautiously walked in and say carefully on the edge of the bed. Toshiro closed the door and also sat on the bed, only he placed himself on the other end. For a moment, Ichigo was completely silent, instead he watched the boy closely, as his eyes moved downward, and he noticed a wet spot that seemed to have formed near the base of the boy's wrist. Automatically worried, Ichigo leaped forward and reached for Toshiro's wrist, ignoring how the boy back away until he was standing against the closet. Following his movements, the worried teen grabbed the smaller boy's wrist as he flinched and lifted the material that covered the self-inflicted wound.

"Sorry" Ichigo mumbled afterwards as he examined the cut. It was still bleeding, drops detaching from the site and falling to the ground. His eyes darkened as he realized what this tortured and troubled boy had done to himself. Toshiro opened his mouth, with the intention of making an excuse, but Ichigo only held a finger to his lips and took him into an embrace. His entire body became rigid, not knowing how to react to the contact he was experiencing. Despite feeling the tenseness that had taken over Toshiro's body, Ichigo rested his head on his snowy white hair and whispered "Shiro" with more feeling than Toshiro had ever heard.

Complete surprise took over. _Did he just call me Shiro? What is this? I'm so confused. Why did he have to see that? Could he really care about me? _At that moment Toshiro became glad that he decided against eating breakfast because his stomach was swimming with new and unknown feeling. Whatever it was made his entire body tremble as tears formed. _I'm so lost. Ichigo please find me,_ he called out with his mind. Knowing that he was going to cry, Toshiro tucked his head against the taller teen's neck and let his body relax into the embrace. Tremors shifted the whole of his small body as his tears flowed over the damn of his lower eyelid.

Knowing that the small boy's shaking legs would not hold his weight for much longer; he lowered his arms to encircle the base of Toshiro's back. Bending his knees slightly, Ichigo carefully listed the small boy, only now realizing just how light he was. Walking over to the bed, Ichigo placed Toshiro on his lap, all the while, his snowy head stayed tucked in the crook of his neck.

Content to wait until the boy was able to calm himself, Ichigo rested his head once again on Toshiro while holding him tightly. Many hours past, which Ichigo soon lost track of before he realized that the small boy nestled in his arms was sleeping soundly.

Glancing down, Ichigo tenderly assessed the face beneath him. Sleep had taken away the fear and pain that had previously been the expression which Ichigo thought were permanently placed there. The innocence that had not taken over his features allowed Ichgo to realize just how young the white-haired boy truly was.

_How much he has been though in his short life. No one should have to endure that kind of torture and by all people, his mother. I want him to know how I feel, that I'm here for him, but I don't think that now would be the right time. He's probably too fragile to handle another emotional roller-coaster. No, instead I'll make sure that I'm here for him, so he doesn't have to be alone again and to protect him, so that he never has to go through anything such as his past again. _

Sighing aloud, the orange haired teen scared himself because of the quiet that existed in the room and he feared that he would wake Toshiro. Luckily, the young boy didn't even stir, continuing his deep slumber. Relaxing, Ichigo rested his head back on the wall and before he was able to catch himself sleep took over, pulling him deep into the realm of dreams.

.

As the sun began to set, Toshiro's mind slowly resurfaced and he was once again in his room. _This was the first night that I haven't had nightmares in a long time. _ Pressure was applied to his right arm, wondering what would cause that the boy looked over his shoulder and once again, to his amazement, there was the sleeping orange haired teen. _He stayed. I can't believe it. Why would he have stayed? Does he really care that much? Could he possibly…? No, maybe not. What am I supposed to do now? Do I just wait and see where things go?_

Out of pure confusion, Toshiro took a quick glance at the cut he had fashioned on his wrist and made a rash decision. Grabbing a bag out of the closet, he quickly shoved random clothes inside and latched it. As he threw the bag on his back, he turned his white head to peer once again at Ichigo.

_I don't know what's right anymore. I just want to stay here in his arms, but I'm nothing but a problem. I need to leave, that's the only way that I can't cause pain for anyone anymore._ Memories of the expression on Ichigo's face when he found out what he had done returned, these images sealed the deal Toshiro made with himself. He walked quietly out the door, avoiding the shop keeper and the other residents, making his way to the front door and stepping out the threshold, tears stinging his eyes.

**Well…..there's chapter four! Be proud! Two chapters in two days! YAY! Another cliffhanger, yes, but now even I'm wondering what's going to happen next. I might actually post chapter five tonight as well. I'll see how everything goes and then make my decision. Thank you to anyone who is reading and please write a review as long as it's constructive please! Woooo..I'm excited **


	5. Chapter 5

**I know that you were all expecting to see another chapter here, and I have been working on it but it's not quite ready. My family and I are planning a big move, literally across the country and the preparations to make that happen have been time consuming. Therefore, I haven't had the time to finish chapter 5 although I'm working on getting it done as soon as possible. It'll probably just take a little longer than I wanted it to.**


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